How to Survive Pooping at work

gamer2 · Post by **gamer2** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 4:22 pm

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the crap. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Post by **bicostp** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 4:37 pm

eeeeeeeeeeewwwww... XP

FDSMAN · Post by **FDSMAN** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 4:47 pm

and my I add to that

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Turbo Tax 1.0 · Post by **Turbo Tax 1.0** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 4:51 pm

i am the ultimate crapper

i took a full crap in less than half a minute its all about the strong sphinctor

i got this littl;e sphinctor excercisor so i plan to make it to states in the crapping tournament

Post by **bicostp** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:14 pm

OK I'm between "LMAO" and "really grossed out"

Turbo Tax 1.0 · Post by **Turbo Tax 1.0** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:15 pm

well i eat kitties

actually i have a cat i love cats they are like me lazy

Post by **Triton** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:33 pm

i demand that someones title (other than mine) immeadiatly be changed to TURD BURGLAR, thats SO FUNNY!!! the dangling poo is also known as the DINGLEBERRY fyi

Post by **SpongeBuell** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:34 pm

Triton wrote:i demand that someones title (other than mine) immeadiatly be changed to TURD BURGLAR, thats SO FUNNY!!! the dangling poo is also known as the DINGLEBERRY fyi

How 'bout hotdog?

Lucretius · Post by **Lucretius** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:35 pm

Or maybe Turd Furgason?

gamer2 · Post by **gamer2** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:48 pm

this is a bout Surviving Pooping At work NOT all the definitions of poop that you can find

HotDog-Cart · Post by **HotDog-Cart** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:56 pm

I want the Title Turd Burgalor, I did that today, the door in the stall wouldnt open, so i looked over the tope and there was an old guy in there..

then i ran. :p

Turbo Tax 1.0 · Post by **Turbo Tax 1.0** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 6:06 pm

lol you so craaaazy

[img]im%20to%20lazy%20to%20get%20one%20of%20homer%20simpson[/img]
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Post by **Triton** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 6:14 pm

you heard the man, title him!

Post by **bicostp** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 6:17 pm

*stifles it a while, then bursts out lauighing*

That was very... "special"* of you, Hotdogger.

Triton wrote:you heard the man, title him!
* Not "unique" special, "Olympics" special. OWN3D! ZING! (Bic said this, not Triton. It's just here to be hidden. How very sneaky of me!

Yes! Please hurry!

How pathetic, we've been reduced to poop jokes.

*bursts out laughing again*

Post by **Sparkfist** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 6:22 pm

Turbo Tax 1.0 wrote:lol you so craaaazy

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That better?